Chapter 24 Bonus Scene

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Chapter 24 Bonus Scene

Esme sighed and stared out the window, not really seeing what was passing her by. Santa Claus could go flying by on his sleigh and it wouldn't have even registered with her she was so lost in thought. Snippets of the evening's events played in her mind like a slide show, never staying on one thing too long, but certainly long enough to painfully pierce her heart. A heart she wasn't sure would ever mend fully, no matter how much time passed.

She wasn't sure which was worse or hurt the most: the fact that she had spent twenty years mourning a sister who was not the person she thought she was or the fact that Edward had suffered so much because of hers and Carlisle's misplaced guilt and jealousy. It was one in the same she supposed, and at this point did it even matter? The damage had been done and it was only by some miraculous turn of events, which she had yet to even begin to try to understand, that Edward had forgiven the two of them at all.

Isabella was the catalyst, she was sure of it, though she didn't know how or why, but there was no question that she was. Watching the way Edward drew strength from her, the way she surrounded him with so much love and total faith was astounding to watch, humbling, too, in all matter-of-fact. She and Carlisle loved each other, but not like they did. What Edward and Isabella shared with each other was awe-inspiring to witness, if not a bit intimidating.

She and Carlisle both, their whole family, owed Isabella so much. It was debt she was sure would never be able to be repaid.

She sighed again and heard Carlisle say softly, "Darling, are you all right?"

Not turning to look at him, for if she did she knew she would surely break down, she merely shrugged her shoulders and gave him some sort of noncommittal sound.

Would she ever be okay? As happy and relieved as she was to finally know everything, she wondered how they would move forward. How they would learn to be a family. How she could ever make up to Edward all the pain and suffering he'd endured because of them. It was like moving on after the death of a loved one she guessed, though when she was honest with herself, it was like a death; the death of the childlike fantasy of the memory of her sister. What happened to Maggie that made her treat her own child the way, or had she always been so utterly selfish and Esme just never admitted that?

Questions she wasn't sure she would ever have answers for or certainly not answers that made any sort of sense.

Carlisle was heartbroken as he continually watched Esme out of the corner of his eye. His thoughts were every bit as self-loathing as hers were, perhaps even more so. It wasn't a contest, but if it was, he was pretty sure causing pain due to your own jealousy and pride trumped the loss of a sister.

God, he felt like such a failure...as a son, a husband...a father. Listening to Edward talk tonight as he relived all of those painful moments was pure, unadulterated torture. Each word he spoke, each heartbreaking event that had taken place, Carlisle would think about and remember for the rest of his life. He deserved no less.

What he wouldn't give to go back and time and do everything, every damn thing, differently. Starting with the moment they'd arrived in Ireland and he first laid eyes on that broken, scared boy. He wouldn't ever forget how Edward looked when he and Esme had walked into that office and found him curled up in a chair, not speaking, and looking so lost and alone. How could he have ever thought he was okay, that he was coping? What a fool he had been! A blind, jealous fool. What kind of man puts his own selfish needs and wants ahead of a child's? After listening to Edward talk about his childhood in Ireland, he knew he was no better than Liam and Maggie; none of them deserved the incredible privilege of having a son like Edward.

The fact that Edward was willing to forgive him was testament to how good a man he was and if it took every day until the day he died, Carlisle vowed to never, ever forget it.

The rest of the drive was spent in complete silence because both of them were too consumed with their own feelings of guilt and unworthiness to try to comfort the other. When Carlisle pulled the car in their driveway and parked the car in the garage, they both sat, unmoving when he turned the car off. The silence that surrounded them was uneasy and tension-filled, so unlike the way it normally felt.

Carlisle briefly wondered if it would ever feel the way it used to again.

"Es, we need to go inside. It's too cold sit here like this," Carlisle said with a heavy sigh and pulled the keys out of the ignition.

She nodded at him and then opened her door, walking with lead feet inside. Normally her house was her refuge, the place she felt the safest, the most comfortable, but walking through tonight, she felt the weight of all her failures. It was in every picture that was displayed, because Edward wasn't in them. There were a few here and there, but not as many as of Emmett, or of Emmett and Rose, or of Emmett, Rose, Jack, and Emma. There were his graduation pictures, from high school and college, a picture of him and Isabella from their wedding, a few formal family pictures, but that was it. There weren't the scattering of spontaneous snapshots like there were with Emmett, pictures of happy times caught forever on film. No, the ones she had showed, in both color and stark black and white, just how far away he'd kept himself from his family...because he never felt like he was wanted.

That thought brought her to her knees and she finally let go, sobbing uncontrollably. Carlisle was beside her in an instant, crying right along with her. Where the tears came from Esme wasn't sure because she thought she'd cried them all out at Edward's but they just kept coming and coming in a steady stream. She held onto Carlisle as tightly as he held onto her hoping that somehow, someway, he could ease her pain, even though she knew he was hurting every bit as much as she was.

"Car, where do we go from here? How do we make it up to him?" she asked through her hiccups as she tried to catch her breath.

"We love him, Esme, and show him every day how much he means to us, the way we always should have," Carlisle answered and ran his fingers across her tear-stained cheeks.

He got up and pulled her along with him and the two made their way upstairs to their bedroom. They each quickly got ready for bed and in no time were wrapped in each other's arms. Neither spoke for a time, because words weren't needed in order to offer the other comfort. After so many years together they knew each other's bodies and thoughts as well as they knew their own

"I love you, Esme," Carlisle whispered in a hoarse, raw voice.

"I love you, too," she answered back, squeezing him tightly.

"I know it doesn't seem like it now, but we'll be okay. We'll make things right," he promised her with all the conviction he had.

Esme sighed and tightly closed her eyes before she opened them and looked at her beloved husband. He was not a perfect man, she'd always known that, but she loved him with a strength that left her breathless and weak in the knees even all these years later. He was her rock, her protector, and even though he took on that role with a vigor that often bordered on extreme, she wouldn't want him any other way.

The mistakes and failures concerning Edward notwithstanding, of course.

"How, Carlisle? How do we fix this? How do we earn his forgiveness?" she questioned plaintively.

"We try, Es, every damn day, to be the parents we should have been all this time. Me more than you; you've always let him know how much you've loved him, even if he didn't acknowledge it. Me? I've squandered away twenty years that I can't ever get back, but I can make sure to embrace this second chance he's given me and I fully intend to do just that," Carlisle told her as he cupped her cheek in his hand.

Esme would never blame him, just like he couldn't blame her, for the things that happened and the mistakes they'd made, so she didn't. Instead she said, "We owe Isabella so much."

"We do, though there isn't anything we could do that could repay her for what she's given us, or what he has either for that matter. They are two very remarkable people," he sighed.

Again neither spoke for a time and then he whispered, though he was fairly certain she was asleep, "Tomorrow is a new day, my love, and a new beginning for our family. We'll be all right, I promise."

He'd never meant anything more in his life.

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